The Power of a Maternal Figure

[As written on my FB page www.facebook.com/lkreeldeevah for Mother's Day 2023]

This beautiful painting was hung on the corridors of Heaven Hotel in Rwanda and caught my attention everyday, with its sweet family oriented endearment that reminds me of my mother and I.

To echo my sincere sentiments of my annual Mother's Day social posts; I really admire mother figures that come in all walks of life whether that be the Childminder/Nanny/Au Pair who took care of us with responsibility and warmth, a Teacher or Coach who truly cared about us getting ahead in life and our academic achievements, with great pride, encouragement and attention. A kind neighbour (I know someone who calls their neighbour "Aunty" which I think is so sweet as they are that close) who looked out for us on occasion "to add to the village who raises us". Honorary Aunties by action not just title or blood deserve a shout-out here!

And godmothers as I've always repped. The ones who go out of their way to be in their god children's lives and not just with gifts but literally be that extended family member. It's not about blood but about love. To stepmothers who go above and beyond to be an additional parent in the most maternal way in their step-child's life, whether they came into their life as an adult or youth. Too many times I hear of the "evil stepmother" complex, the disruptors who do not have the child's best interest at heart by abusing them or disrupting their relationship with their father (I recently heard this of a friend and it breaks my heart). My poem 'Steps' reflect the stepmothers that I am championing here in the best possible way.

What I referred to 2yrs ago in an old post but cannot find; are the rare and wonderful girlfriends of fathers who bond with you (if it applies) and genuinely wanted to get to know you, earn your trust as opposed to just get along with you for the sake of appearances or getting close to your dad. The ones who willingly accept the package deal so to speak, by making sure you don't feel left out, much love to them!

I respect the kind of female mentors that take someone under her wing and enjoys seeing them prosper, in a mother hen kind of way. Even the ones you may find in a gang for example (which I have witnessed) where they are the oldest and even though they may be getting up to no good as a bad influence, they genuinely look out for the youngings in the crew. Particularly with the more vulnerable ones that have no family/parents, is who they tend to be a mother figure to and I won't deny them that acknowledgement.

Not long ago I wrote and will always highlight, the many grandmothers that end up being the mother and primary guardian to their grandchildren just because life would have it that way, which is usually an economic issue (I sadly hear it in rap songs all the time- J. Cole most recently). When grandmothers move their grandchildren in willingly, with LOVE and responsibility which is technically a burden in any case, that burden is largely appreciated and valued by many individuals that had to be raised by their grandmothers as opposed to their birth mothers. More than one friend of mine comes to mind here, as well as Oprah Winfrey actually (listen to her podcast about her childhood).

I will unapologetically repeat that I am not praising every woman or every mother today. I am literally speaking to MATERNAL mother figures who lovingly and non-regrettably take on this significant role in someone's life.

There are a couple other poems of mine that I wrote years ago where I speak about people that didn't get the chance to be a mother yet due to unfortunate circumstances, where they desperately wanted it but may have miscarried or had a stillbirth and they feel robbed of motherhood. I referred to having hysterectomies, stillbirths and women who only got to enjoy pregnancy in the upcoming months (not to full term). I know there is little comparison and I cannot fully empathise, but to these real people who have lived through such experiences you do have my sympathy and my caring thoughts of you as a "real mother" nonetheless.

To the people that I know personally who are raising their children beautifully and as best they can, "Cheers to you" . To women that are currently expecting or even in labour today about to meet your babies for the first time, this is for you. For the single or young mothers who are really trying to provide and do well but are terrified and unsure of your selves; BE BRAVE, BE LOVING, APPROACH IT KINDLY and WISELY, just celebrate your motherhood today

For the new adoptive mothers who just got the legal approval of adoption and enjoying every moment of being a parent, which is such a beautiful thing (I'm thinking of a certain YouTuber going through this right now), this is for you . To women who have literally saved children (not just purchased a child from a poor country by the way, yeah I said it) and taken them in- not necessarily through the foster system but through a way of humanity where you know that you saved their life just by being supportive and caring in a maternal way that is seriously needed BIG UP YOU. This naturally applies to great foster mothers who also open their doors and theirs hearts to care for children in need. Support and love is everything, so if by any chance you have done that then this celebratory post is very much for you .

To birth mothers who raised children with love, grace, guidance, positive purpose and all the sacrifices and all the joys that came with it. I wish you a very happy Mother's Day

Lastly, I know this does not get said often but I know that there are many mothers who have made some big mistakes in their parenting and have fallen out with the children as a result. Some mistakes are more damaging than others, however as human beings we are all responsible for the decisions that we make so if you have been at fault in this regard (e.g. inflicted harm, pain or neglect as a mother) it is important to take the responsibility and own up to it as opposed to deny or blame your child (I see this common dysfunction far too often).

I say this not to shame but to actually give a SALUTE to the mothers who came to terms with where they have failed in motherhood, check themselves, CORRECT IT and have been ACTIVELY putting in the work to rebuild a relationship with their child/children. To be responsible, rebuild and repair is no easy task. Therefore, if you do not let those hurdles get in your way nor "unforgiveness" from either side get in your way and you're being a better mother, your love is still there, you're still showing it and you're still trying because your love for your child is unconditional, then I do very much wish you a "Happy Mother's Day Day too "

Lauren Kaye