Representing Hope

 

There was a very nice, quick, convenient and damn near perfect video that I recorded to get my message across better, but the damn thing deleted KMT. Another reason that I conflict with technology and social media often. Anyway, I'll just stay in my lane and write.

Around this time last year I was a featured act at a poetry event called Premier Poets. The Promoter who invited me as a part of the line-up, picked me because of a hilarious poem (if I do say so myself) that I performed at a nearby event a month prior, which left a lasting impression on him. It was that first impression from that one poem (You Were Tangfastic) that made him believe that I was more of a comic Poet and that most of my material would be comically driven. 

Much of my material is funny but not most. I, as I am sure many other Writers and Poets may feel the same, get quite annoyed when my entire body of unseen or unheard work gets judged or grouped into one box just from one performance, it makes no sense. I am a diverse Poet/Writer who writes about anything from food to society, to religion, health, finances, vanity, all down to domestic abuse. My topics and range are wide and random.

In saying that, I remember being very cautious in preparation of that night and was very indecisive of what poems to bring. This was because I knew what was expected of me but I didn't want to "keep it light" just to please others (especially if I wasn't being paid to do so, whereas I would have respected a contractual commission if that were the case). However, there was a poem that I had recently finished although it took me over a year to complete, it was very dear to my heart and I was eager to share it despite any potential backlash. When I say "backlash" I don't necessarily mean for it to be met with anger or offence but it was a very emotive piece that would either sadden or p*ss off the audience in some way because it was about suicide. 

Suicide and euthanasia are sensitive subjects that most people dismiss, brush off or judge hastily, usually in a manner to shut down the conversation in order to not address the discomfort of it any further. My poem Selfish, thoroughly addresses that discomfort and not necessarily from the perspective of the 'victim' so to speak, but of the friend of the suicidal individual who is trying to be understanding amidst their own selfishness of what they want and believe is right in regard to their friends choices and personal struggles. I personally think it is one of the most maturely addressed, emotional, deep and daring poems that I have ever written. I am very proud of it and glad that I brought it to the table that night regardless of the discomfort that filled the room. My poetry isn't made for the comfort of others, although in many cases my poetry has brought many an audience comfort, nevertheless it was made for me to express my thoughts, feelings and creativity thus to share as I see fit. You may like it or you don't.

What I did not realise that night or when completing the final draft of the poem, was that it was Suicide Prevention Awareness Week in the UK, Suicide Awareness Month in USA, nor did I know that it was World Suicide Prevention Day the week before. I was unfamiliar with all of that, as these were new public events as far as I was concerned however, it made it more appropriate to share such daring material to a hopefully more receptive crowd. Therefore I introduced the poem as such to slightly prepare them for what was to come. It left quite the impression indeed and as all year (2019-2020) it had me drowning in tears from my own empathy and heightened emotions. 

The Promoter wasn't too happy with my first choice of content, not that I cared. I still got a lot of love and support from the audience afterwards which was soothing. Also being the well experienced Spoken Word Artist that I am, I already knew to have a completely different poem to bring back the uplifting momentum afterward with one of my sexy poems and they really clapped, clicked and hollered with that one (of course). All was well and I was one of the most cheered acts of the night despite that it could have gone completely left, but it ended up so right.

I was happy with my decision and even happier that my poem brought some more awareness to others on how to check themselves when communicating with someone who is suicidal. I mentioned this on a previous post I did last October.

When I was shaving my head into my long desired pattern of the Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics as painted on my wall, it was to honour myself of my personal growth and to remind myself of how far I have come in certain areas of my life. As opposed to just having a painting on my wall in the hope of good luck and passive naivety, in recent years I acted on it (the hieroglyphics meaning Life, Health and Happiness) directly to have the 'fortune' come into fruition. My chosen hair pattern was me honouring the things that I have actively done to bring more value to my life, to improve my health with more awareness, as well as how I have brought and tried to maintain happiness with mindfulness.

As well as to inspire others who may need to honour certain aspects of their lives more for the sake of their wellbeing. A staff member of the hotel that I was staying at, came up to me demanding (in a friendly manner) to know who did my hair considering that it was unlikely that I went to a local barber. I boastfully enlightened him that I was my own barber and did it myself, which took him by complete surprise (as per usual reaction) and after I explained that the symbols mean Life, Health and Happiness along with me honouring Suicide Awareness at the same time, he then pointed out to me "Oh, you're representing HOPE!" I said "Exactly. Yes indeed that is exactly what I am doing."

Not to get too deep or philosophical on you lot, but Hope, Fear, Faith and Doubt....among other emotions but those four are the most poignant to what I am trying to say; these emotions have so much power and control over us. Much of our behaviour and decisions are driven by said emotions. Therefore if my little hair cut can inspire something as powerful and positive as HOPE, then I am the one who is honoured. 

Love Lauren

World Days (Real Talk So Pay Attn)

This month is jam packed with PSA days, for lack of a better term considering that they are not holidays, as it is no longer just Black History Month (in the UK) but it is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month which I only just came to know of, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Mental Health Week which I could have sworn already took place this summer and soon found out that in the UK it takes place in May and in USA it's November, I am still a little confused of what 'week' is actually taking place here. Today is World Mental Health Day and one of the charities that I used to work with informed me that it is World Homeless Day.

Without having known that it was World Homeless Day as I'm very mindful about the state of homelessness regardless of dates, I have been looking for a certain frail older homeless woman who I used to see around my area, to give her an old puffer coat of mine. I attempted to find her again and of course she cannot be found nor any other homeless woman who it would fit which is a shame. I initially found my adored white Nike puffer hard to depart with, being that it was a gift but fact has it that I don't wear it anymore and only hold onto it for sentimental reasons. I would rather give it to someone who would make better use of it such as keeping them warm in the streets at night. 

The homeless epidemic in major cities in 'first world countries' is surreal. I mean really, we can have all these unnecessary intrusive new buildings erecting and gentrifying the place for profit, without concern of neighbourhood locals, nor the environment which is damaging our soil, land, roads and certainly the air from excessive release of TOC (Toxic Organic Compounds which are harmful chemicals found in most everyday building materials), yet the government can't afford more homeless shelters or NOT to cut benefits such as full Housing Benefit and Council Tax benefit to PREVENT homelessness!

It is this sh*t that leads to widespread poverty, crime and anti-social behaviour between classes (more homeless people being attacked and more homeless/poor people attacking others). There is not one full commute that I can do without the sadness or frustration of someone begging for money on the train and nowadays it's getting more aggressive, such as when a random homeless man verbally attacked me inside McDonald's making everyone uneasy. There are not many ATM's or supermarkets that I can go to without a homeless person sitting directly next to it, more and more inner city roads (including the most expensive of areas by the way) are being filled with rough sleepers. It is so fuc*king sad. Do not be offended by my profanity, be offended by the conditions that a growing population of the public are subjected to.

I can't believe how good most of us (Londoners I can speak for) had it prior to the new millennium. There were poor people and yes there was crime and judgement towards others living a certain way but nowhere as bad as it is today, not when I was growing up. I know my posts of awareness, giving what I can when I can afford to like some food, money or old clothes cannot change the world but I really wish I could 😪.

The following is also taken from my recent Facebook page posts; depending on your generation and your culture, many of you including myself, would see counselling or seeking help with your mental/emotional issues as a bad thing. I am not jumping on the whole trending 'let's talk about mental health' campaign train here, I am giving you real talk with authenticity based on my personal experience and what I have witnessed. When I was really going through heavy tribulations more than once, at first I was in denial of how bad it was as I was basically taught to just 'soldier on' which worked for a while, externally anyway. Then sh*t hit the fan and I knew I was imploding. 

I was honest with myself and decided to seek help via NHS IAPT which was a terrible waste of time. Unfortunately, the Therapist I saw was an inconsiderate, cold and somewhat unprofessional lady who added to my resentment of medical professionals. Even when I asked for a new Therapist at a location closer to where I lived, her superior was equally unhelpful. I never sought counselling again. Therefore I lost out on what could have been effective treatment due to a poor service of bad communication thus I continued to let my problems manifest.

However, years later when I recognised that my emotional distress was getting the better of me once again I was fortunate enough to have a lovely medical practitioner offer me a Mindfulness programme and I took it. It was WONDERFUL! I have mentioned this before but seriously it calmed me down, helped me better manage my stress, anxiety and OCD, as well as my relationship with myself and others- many of which I just had to let go. It also made my physical pain from other health problems decrease because they became easier to manage with my new set of tools that I now bring into my everyday life. My breathing is slightly better too thank goodness!

Mindfulness and writing poetry has seriously enriched my life. A POSITIVE OUTLET is helpful and necessary in whatever form. Seeking help is necessary, vital and shameless. Far too often I see people turn to drugs (whatever its class), alcohol, anti-social behaviour and tantrums to escape or cover up their issues, masking their pain. Hence bullies, abusers, people that are an arse for no reason, those who are disruptive or walk around angry all the time. Be kind and honest with yourself. Seek help, find the health method that works for you and live a better life as a result. Best wishes to all. For every medical professional, friend, family member and the stranger that kindly asked me if I was OK during my tribulations and turmoil, I VALUE AND APPRECIATE YOU DEARLY. I know for a fact that I have blogged those very words before....

Alas, in light of helping yourself out by confronting your issues, watch this spoken word performance of mine.

On 11th September again via my Facebook page I posted what some may describe as a cryptic post in regard to World Suicide Prevention Day (10th Sept), National Suicide Month in USA, as well as National Suicide Prevention Week in UK. To summarise I was saying that there is a serious poem that I began writing a couple of years ago and semi-completed this year that I have been hesitating to share. Much of my recent writing has been extremely emotive lately across various scenarios but I know that this particular piece is so sensitive that it'll divide and most likely p*ss off the crowd. It is important to understand that not every form of entertainment or information is catered to your liking. Often times it is just made for your awareness if not understanding. My unheard poem is about a different aspect of suicide that often gets overlooked and what 'we' in society are expected not to say or think. All perspectives count whether we agree or not. 

I think it is an important message so I may share it some day, somewhere or just to someone if necessary but it can wait. What I will share is "Just be kind TO YOURSELF" if and when you are experiencing suicidal despair. To those witnessing suicidal behaviour- with judgement "Try to BE KINDHEARTED and patient to what they are going through." None of us can tell someone how to feel nor claim to know exactly how someone is feeling. Communication from an outsider towards a vulnerable person is key and vice versa however, the communication of the vulnerable individual with them self is what is most important at the end of the day. Again be kind to yourself. Be as honest and kind as possible when confronting your issues, your needs and 'your demons' I would say (end quote from my post). 

I know that I am repeating myself between paragraphs and posts altogether with those last words of being kind to yourself and mindfulness however, that repetition is necessary as it is important to me to spread the message. Messages don't just have to be shared once or loud to be well received, ones such as these require repetition.

I ended up performing that said poem at an event that I was featured in, coincidentally during Suicide Prevention Week so it was appropriate but extremely uncomfortable. The discomfort did not just come from the subject matter but that fact that I was crying my eyes out with each stanza, that poem is so real and emotional it's not funny. Not funny at all, I react the same when I read it to myself in private. The audience was gripped, camera phones were up and the passiveness of emotion was certainly among the crowd, there was strong empathy from one audience member in particular. I hate to be caught on camera like that however, I make no apologies for my authenticity and the realness that my writing or performing comes with. All the love and personal testimonies that I got afterwards was heart-warming. Ahhh, one for the books.

Regarding Domestic Violence and Breast Cancer Awareness month, although I have continued to spread awareness and useful knowledge through conversation and across social media platforms, I will follow-up on that shortly as certain things that I am going to share requires its own separate blog entry. That applies to BHM too. In the meantime, as a society we do have a lot to think about and to consider, with what is happening around us and how it affects others which in turn will affect us. BE MINDFUL.


@LK_ReelDeevah