I feel that all the news stories, confessions and unfortunate gossip, of females suffering at the hands of their male partners, is becoming far too frequent to the point of it becoming predictable, normal even and as a result we as a society are becoming desensitised to the issue at hand. I have expressed many times in conversation, through my poetry, social posts and surely on this blog, that I strongly feel that there is a sinister rise in misogyny for some unjustified reason. It is not normal or sane to behave this way especially towards your love interest. In a time where laws are wider spread and meant to be stronger to protect women against this kind of behaviour, we are being confronted with more and more news of spousal abuse and fatalities as a result.
How is that possible unless something is invoking a hatred towards women for men to feel the need to carry on this way with no concern of the law or consequences? It is beyond strange. When racism and hate crimes increase it is typically due to social or political changes. So what on earth has taken place in the past decade to make it come to this in regard to gender based abuse and sever anti-social behaviour?
I honestly see it as a male issue that needs to be addressed because something clearly isn't right here. It wasn't right in the stone ages or the 50's therefore it certainly is not right to regress as modern society. It is as if males are being taught that it is normal and perfectly fine to attack females if and when they feel to. The laws and teachings at schools obviously are not strong enough. It is also bizarre that domestic violence seems to be becoming more common at a younger age in today's date despite the wave of female empowerment. Something is wrong here.
In July there were at least three news stories I read of in regard to young women 18-27 years of age who died at the hands of their current or previous partner. For the life of me I do not understand how an ex truly feels they have the right to harm you especially if you are with someone new. Reminds me of an article I read from Yahoo News in 2014 about a MMA fighter who attacked his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend leaving both of them hospitalised. The woman was left with both broken and lost teeth, bruises on her face, a broken arm and broken ribs so I recall. Not to mention the gob-smacking CCTV footage of the American Footballer Ray Rice who knocked out his wife in the hotel lift and dragged her with no remorse whatsoever. It's all truly horrific and this is exactly what I mean when I say we should widen the conversation of 'mental health' beyond anxiety and depression, to also bring it to this regular problematic behaviour as it is madness.
These perpetrators are mentally ill and should not be excused for it by any means (such as to have a reduced sentence by claim of insanity in court), because as unstable as their minds were at the time they were also of a conscious sound mind with their actions and like in many cases their violent crimes towards their lover was pre-meditated. However, these culprits are emotionally unstable thus unhealthy on a whole and need help, as well as heavy convictions. Psychological treatment for abusive people of any kind and teachings for everyone on how to prevent it in the first place should be accessible and widespread. I would love for mental health and effective treatment to be addressed during this Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
At least the Husband Schools in Sierra Leone that I read about a few years ago, as well as the non-violence towards females training for boys alongside self-defence classes for girls in Kenya have been introduced in recent years. I was also glad to read about self-defence classes for elderly women in shanty towns of Kenya whom have become vulnerable targets of sexual assault. Effective initiatives like these is what we need worldwide including the West, evidently. I can only hope that the statics have gone down in Fiji from when I learned nearly a decade ago that they had the highest rate of domestic violence fatalities among women, in the world at the time. To hope for Husband Schools to be brought to Fiji for its main purpose of reducing violence towards women maybe wishful thinking I hate to admit.
Last year I watched a documentary on Bloomberg or CNN about a female Rapper in Mexico who launched self-defence classes for women in Mexico. The Rapper felt the urgent need to do this because rape and violence against girls and women had become so bad that a local curfew (not sure if it is an unofficial curfew or not) had to be put into place to ensure women's safety by encouraging them to not be out after dark! Enforcing a curfew on adult women instead of placing more Police or CCTV on the streets was very much alarming to see however, as alarmed as I was the Rapper's story was inspiring at the same time as she herself was a victim of sexual assault. It was therapeutic for her to empower and protect women of her community, while building back her own inner power at the same time.
There was a time when cultural and economic differences made all the difference, in regard to high rates of certain crimes such as rape and domestic abuse, but now like I've said it just seems like more of a male mentality problem rather than a geographic or economic status problem. However the tolerance of it is still considerably different depending on the demographic. Did you know, and this I learned from Italian Actress Monica Belluci, that in Italy if a man murder's his wife it is apparently considered a 'love crime' and he will not be charged with murder, at least not first degree murder. Whereas if a woman kills her husband it is not seen as a 'love crime' and she therefore gets charged for murder, unsure of what degree but it is still a sexist level of sentencing. The world we live in is intolerably unjust.
When I performed my topical poem at Moetry in August it was the week that I had seen the shocking video of Breaunna Dunn, a young lady in Baltimore who was being punched by her boyfriend on a public bus. That video of a bystander recording the incident and calling out both the victim and the abuser to put an end to the abuse, had gone viral and struck a chord with many. It was terrifying to watch as you saw a completely far gone young woman, trapped by his overbearing power over her and out of fear she chose to follow him off of the bus as he demanded, regardless of everyone's horror and someone offering help. I couldn't sleep that night after seeing that because all I felt was fear and worry for her and others who I knew of in similar situations past and present.
The night before seeing that video I also found out about a relative of mine, although not the first sad to say, being attacked by their ex-partner. The day of the show I read in a newspaper about an older woman who was viciously killed by her ex-partner, even closer to home for me it was the month of the first anniversary that my school friend was murdered by her boyfriend who stabbed her to death. The timing was just unbelievably ironic yet necessary. I have yet to see the video recording of my performance and would rather not anyway but in the meantime you can hear the audio that I recorded myself. I had a standing ovation, plenty random warm hugs and compliments that followed with heartfelt testimonies of personal experiences that mirrored my content. My poem shook the entire room and received a great, humbling applause, it was definitely a memorable performance.
LISTEN TO AUDIO OF LIVE PERFORMANCE
The title of my poem which I in fact began writing three years ago, explains the accompanying image that I graphic designed as seen above. Colourful yet dark such as the theme of most folklore literature. I like fairy tales as much as the next person but at the same time, especially in recent times of analysis, I cannot help but recognise the dark reoccurring themes of death, violence and abuse between the different stories. When I wrote Mummy, Wolf! it was stemming from a conversation that I had with my grandmother years ago when she warned me about a man raising his hand to me and said "Men are wolves in sheep clothing." It is one of the smartest, most empathetic poems I have ever written.
Three years ago the poem began light with the tale of falling for a bad boy however, it ended up being heavier when completing it this year, with the deeper theme of the bad boy hitting me (not in real life). I developed the poem as such out of anger from all the current domestic violence news stories including my friend's death. Moetry wasn't the first time I performed it, it was the second but most impactful as it was to a bigger crowd. Afterwards, a girl came up to me to say that I was reading her life and she couldn't believe the similar storyline and how she could not see her abuse for what it was while it was happening. Fact has it that I wrote the poem on much of what I had seen and heard from various people, the news and even films (What's Love Got to Do With It etc) acknowledging that they were practically all the same events no matter the generation, race or country.
The Netflix film Roxanne, Roxanne was one of the motivations to complete the poem in a more dramatic 'let's be real and address toxic relationships' manner. I strongly recall being fuelled with rage after feeling the familiarity of many young impressionable women from that film. I wanted to write something powerful that I could perform and present as a wake-up call to all the females in the audience who no doubt a large amount of, would have been through or are going through that sh*t and need to be reminded of the dangers. Also, the males in the potential audience would need to hear it as a wake-up call to check themselves. I just wanted everyone to check themselves and fix up as a result or at least help someone who they know is in such as situation. It was my protest.
I also appreciated how domestic violence was addressed on the TV series Star and Big Little Lies from the different angle of having a doting male partner beating up his woman then feeling guilty afterwards "You know I'd never want to hurt you. You know I love you." That so called guilt and emotional blackmail excused the antagonists actions each time. The Writers and Directors of those shows addressed the denial element on both sides very well. Therefore with those added influences, I knew what I was writing would be relatable, emotional, semi-predictable and hopefully enlightening to those who needed to be enlightened. This is everyday behaviour, where well over 10yrs ago when it seemed less common the statistic was that a woman reports domestic violence or a death is reported as a result of domestic violence every 3mins in America alone! The cycle will not end until it is thorough addressed and fought!
My heart goes out to anyone living in fear of their partner or who has ever experienced the horror of physical abuse. This week I was saddened to hear of Tisha Campbell's violent past with Duane Martin, who indeed appeared as an admirable loving couple to many for nearly 20 years. I was also sad to see the pictures of the bruises that LisaRaye McCoy unveiled during the divorce from her husband the Premier of Turks of Caicos that ended with much scandal. Years ago when Kelly Rowland and Tyra Banks shared their experiences of emotional and verbal abuse from their ex-boyfriends, of course that was sad too but for me it was more so menacing. Just like when Christina Milian spoke of the abuse that she experienced as a late teen; it is the power that they have over you mentally that controls everything as she shared on her reality show. Too right, emotional abuse is about control and that is a key factor here. I do commend Milian on co-launching the domestic violence app Stop Attack to save women in immediate need of help.
Halle Berry has spoken openly about her past abusive relationship in her twenties. I was impressed and proud of her determination to not be 'a victim' and how she has gone on to empower other women at risk. Not only by spreading awareness but by volunteering regularly at a women's refuge shelter and working with charities. I was happy to see her being awarded for her ongoing work at BET Honor's a few years ago, it was beautiful.
Like the famous women mentioned above have said on public platforms, it is important to know and look out for signs of domestic abuse within someone or potential abusive behaviour to come. There are always signs; such as random outbursts, unjust jealousy, comparing you to others or comparing you to them self as if to compete in a negative way, critising you harshly, belittling you, calling you out of your name, trying to control you whether it be with money (very common), with your phone (deleting numbers, going through it), controlling what you wear and who you hang out with etc. None of this is healthy or warranted. We all know in our hearts and from our instincts if the actions from another is coming from a positive place or not.
Emotional abuse, controlling tactics and manipulation is how it usually starts to see what they can get away with. Small acts of disrespect to test you, then one day it gets physical. The worst thing you can do is to stay after once that happens, or even to stay after a series of non-physical disrespectful behaviour towards you as previously described. You are not powerless, that is just an emotion that abusers want you to feel. For those that feel trapped I understand that you may be scared to leave but it will be scarier to stay. The relationship and disrespect will only get worse. To remain compliant of their disrespect basically grants them permission to continue treating you that way because you have allowed it.
Whether you are in such a relationship or you are a loved one looking at a relationship with concern please pay attention to the signs so that you can put a stop to it. Parents, it all starts at home, firmly teach your sons that it is not ok to hurt women. Girls should be taught not to hit either of course but don't teach them to be defenseless. Growing up, older women always warned me that a man will attempt to hit me someday and basically told me to prepare myself, as if boys weren't told to respect females and how to control their temper WTF.
Those conversations were had with me since I was 11yrs old. Within a year of the first warning I started to see boys being violent towards girls at school, bulling them basically however it kept me aware and defensive of such behaviour. I hate to witness bullying of any kind. Silent bystanders are also at fault and that is who I refuse to be. Silence teaches bullies that they can get away with their nonsense and wreak havoc, I have seen this at school, at university and within homes of parents who choose not to discipline their troublesome child. What you are taught or allowed to get away with as a child is usually what you'll end up practicing as an adult.
The incident with Breaunna Dunn on the bus was important not because of the public display but because the woman recording stepped in to stop it. The abuser would have kept beating his girlfriend if everyone stayed as silent as the men standing nearby like it was not a problem which I thought was pathetic and more devastating to the situation. We need to be more authoritative as a society, especially when it 'disrupts the peace' or our environments and affects our children by what they see. We can all do our part.
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